While it is undeniably true that a good divorce is better than a bad marriage, the change that comes (even from the best of divorces) is a massive one. As such, it takes a lot of adjustment, changes in one’s habits but most importantly a massive turn in one’s mindset. All of a sudden, a person you deemed as central in your life is no longer around or, at least, not in the way they used to be, which on its own changes everything. Therefore, in order to move on, you have to start from the beginning once again. With that in mind and without further ado, here are several tips for getting through a divorce and start your life anew on a positive note.
Avoid a lengthy, messy court process
Regardless of how angry you are, at the moment, you need to understand that dragging around courts isn’t going to change anything. If vengeance is your main motivator, keep in mind that it is A) a never-ending loop and B) it will end up hurting yourself as much as it does the other party. In order to get a new beginning, you need to resolve any standing legal issues and here, you have two main objectives.
First, you need to get your own fair share of custody (if there are children involved) and assets (that you deem as rightfully yours). The greatest problem with this issue lies in the fact that most of these laws are regional, which is why you need to look for a local legal aid, skilled in family law. For instance, if you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse were living in NSW at the time, looking for Sydney lawyers is the right course of action.
Every divorce is different
The circumstances surrounding a divorce may make a great difference in your ability to get over things. For instance, leaving an abusive relationship will give you an instantaneous reward of feeling safe, which might facilitate things a bit. This, of course, doesn’t mean that you won’t get a feeling of nostalgia (for all the good things) every now and then or that all the emotional scars will be instantaneously healed. More often than not, it’s quite opposite. People often tend to idealize past, while repressing all the negative aspects of the relationship. On the other hand, a divorce that has an adultery as a cause might affect one’s self-esteem and their ability to trust others. Which is completely understandable.
Couples who don’t have children can split much more painlessly and much more definitely than those who have them. The reason behind this lies in the fact that the latter will always remain in touch and be a part of each other’s lives even decades after the divorce. From all of this, you need to stop trying to apply other people’s methods in order to make yourself heal. While listening to an advice from someone more experienced might help you out, you need to find your own path.
It’s not a generational thing
It’s a fact that, at the moment, the divorce rate in the world is at its all-time high. However, there’s also a misconception that the reason why there are so many divorces is due to the fact that millennials are entitled, spoiled and prefer to just walk away rather than work on their problems. The logic flaws behind this statement are too many to count and this kind of mindset puts one on a completely wrong track.
The only reason why there are so many divorces in the world is due to the fact that the social stigma around the divorce is no longer as strong as it was several decades ago. It is highly unlikely that the percentage of good marriages in 2018 is lower than it was in 1958. The only difference lies in the fact that people are no longer willing to put up with an unhealthy relationship for the sake of appearance. In other words, don’t try to compare yourself to your parents, grandparents or great-grandparents and don’t look at statistics or rates in a quest for answers.
Something old, something new
One of the greatest problems that the majority of fresh divorcees have is the inability to trust in long-lasting relationships, for obvious reasons. This is why it’s particularly helpful to surround yourself with people who were there for decades. We’re talking about old friends and family members. The problem with this lies in the fact that some people tend to neglect these relationships once they get married, not out of lack of interest but merely out of lack of time and geographical distance. Now, it might be the right time to try and mend this.
Aside from this, you shouldn’t be afraid to make new friends either. If you and your former partner were in a long relationship, chances are that most of your friends are mutual acquaintances. This is why you need to make some friends of your own. A word of caution, entering new relationships is fine, yet, it’s not smart to rush into them just because you aren’t accustomed to being alone. From the legal standpoint, it also isn’t smart to enter a new relationship until your ties to a former partner are legally severed.
Don’t be too quick to cast blame
Blaming yourself for the failure of your marriage is just as dangerous as casting 100 percent of the blame on your partner. Sure, in some relationship, the fault lies heavily on one party, yet, it’s never a 100 percent to 0 percent ratio. Accept your fault in this whole ordeal and move on. Lingering in order to figure out who is guiltier is never a smart thing to do and it is something that might significantly slow you down.
Most importantly, most of your hobbies, interests and (as we already mentioned) are something that will emotionally remind you of your former partner. If you allow someone to penetrate 90 percent of your life, once they are no longer there, they’ll leave a void that you’ll have a hard time filling. This is why you need to become self-reliant and not repeat the same mistake again.
Once you’re in a new relationship (and this might happen sooner than you think), you might feel inclined to repeat the former process, all over again. Don’t! Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the very definition of insanity. For once in life, focus on your own happiness and all the other pieces of the puzzle will just find their place.